I have been reading Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, and Parent and Lead by Brené Brown for a month. Self-help books are a slow read for me because I like to reflect on what I am reading. This book covers the importance of vulnerability, and it has helped me to realize that even though it is difficult for me to embrace at times, even when I feel like my needs will not be met, my concerns would hit a brick wall or be met with invalidation, expressing how something has hurt me will be met with denial or anger, or when I feel fear coursing through my veins… vulnerability is what will help me feel understood, seen, and heard.

When I step into my vulnerability, it feels like I am exposing myself. It feels like I am butt-naked in front of an audience. It feels raw. It feels unnatural. It feels like I’m walking through a brick wall or a million nerves running wild inside of me. Being vulnerable and expressing emotions was not a norm within my household. Anger, coldness, and irritation were the most shown and experienced emotions. I never had a safe space to express them. I never had anyone to comfort me which left me feeling lonely emotionally. I repressed a lot of my sadness and anger. I wore a mask that insinuated that I was perfectly fine. I made it to where I was difficult to read so no one could see what lies beneath. It was instilled in me that being cold and hard was the only way to not be looked at as weak. As a pussy. As sensitive. As a crybaby. As much more. Learning that only made me disconnected from my emotions. It left me numb. It left me unsure of myself. Of what I was truly feeling. Of what I needed to feel emotionally satisfied. What I needed to give myself.

Therapy has helped me reshape my thoughts on vulnerability. It has helped me to see that when I dive into it, I will not drown. I have control. I can go at my own pace. It feels like bursting out of a straight jacket – free. When I embrace it, It feels like I have a thousand volts of electricity coursing throughout me. At times it can be overwhelming for me to stand in it because I am hit with so many emotions at once, but I take one step at a time with it. I am an emotionally intense and complex individual. I have always felt like people could not handle that side of me, so I would minimize my emotions. It is easy for me to embrace it when I feel safe and comfortable in relationships, friendships, or even with a stranger at times.

I have learned that vulnerability is a strength and it does not make you weak. It is sharing your darkest secrets. It is shining light in the darkest place. It is basking within your nakedness. It is how the moon speaks to the water at night. It is being seen and understood. It is the hug that is filled with love, concern, and care as it wraps around you. It is hugging your best friend when they are screaming inside. It is listening and not saying a word back. It is space that is taken up. It is tears, anger, and words all mixed together. It is fighting through fear. It is speaking up for yourself. It is taking that risk. Putting your heart on the line. It is the lump that lies within your throat when you are expressing yourself.

Vulnerability is complex. It is delicate.
It is…

freeing.